Dear Annie: After my father passed away a few years back, my elderly mother made a move to the West Coast to be nearer to my younger brother and me. She has always depended heavily on my father for financial decisions and major life choices, and his absence has left her struggling to manage these responsibilities alone. It's been over 18 months since she bought her new house, yet she remains in her old home on the East Coast. This delay in selling her current property is largely because of my older brother's severe hoarding problem.
My older brother, who has been living with her, faces undiagnosed mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, rendering him unable to maintain a steady job. As a result, he's been living with our parents for years. He seems unaware of the severity of his hoarding disorder and dismisses any form of therapy or medication, believing in conspiracy theories involving government interference. Despite our persistent efforts, we have no hope of him getting the necessary help. My mother has repeatedly asked him to clear his belongings from her house, but he’s refused. His mental illness, combined with financial instability and lack of future planning, traps him in this cycle of refusal.
Meanwhile, my mother is bearing the financial burden of property taxes on both homes and a mortgage on the unoccupied West Coast house, unable to sell her East Coast residence. Despite my efforts, including researching tenant laws, consulting attorneys, and hiring a hoarding removal service, the situation remains unchanged. It appears that evicting my brother might be the only way for my mother to legally dispose of his belongings. However, a prior attempt ended with extreme distress for my brother and concern for the safety of the hoard removal team.
Their relationship is toxic and codependent. Whenever my mother tries to press him to move out or clean, he hints at suicide, prompting her to back down out of fear. She struggles to establish firm boundaries, insisting, "He has nowhere to go." Consequently, they both remain stuck in misery, unable to progress. I've emotionally distanced myself as the situation took a toll on my mental health. Although I've encouraged my mother to seek therapy, and she's begun the process, I worry it will take considerable time before she can apply new boundary-setting skills effectively.
Her new home remains empty, caught in this financial and emotional deadlock. I’m desperate for my mother to break free and move to a better life on the West Coast. Is there any further action I can take to support her? How can I assist her in this heartbreaking situation? -- Desperate Daughter
Dear Desperate Daughter: You've been a steadfast ally for your mother in navigating this complex issue. Ultimately, your mother must decide boundaries and take steps to move to her new home. Given your brother's refusal to seek mental health treatment, eviction may be the necessary route. I commend your mother's decision to pursue therapy, as it's the place where she'll acquire the tools needed to enact change in her life.
With a therapist’s support, she might also be able to explore avenues for getting your brother psychiatric help, particularly since he has mentioned self-harm. This deadlock cannot persist indefinitely. It's critical to address the situation urgently for the sake of everyone's well-being. Your patience and support have been invaluable, but her next steps will be crucial for both their futures.
