DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some time ago, one of my wife’s nephews (a grown man in his 40s) came across an opinion I had written in a digital publication. This sparked a series of increasingly unpleasant interactions, beginning with a public insult in the comments section. Initially, I dismissed it, believing it was a momentary lapse in judgment. However, the nephew relentlessly pursued this antagonism, finding another objectionable opinion and continuing to attack me publicly, intending for all our family and friends to witness his vitriol. It took considerable effort, nearly 20 minutes, to craft a measured and assertive response, carefully considering my wife’s family connection while defending myself against his deranged behavior.
Unfortunately, my attempt to post this response was thwarted when the nephew promptly deleted the original insult shortly after posting it – an action he later admitted was orchestrated by his mother. Undeterred, I took a screenshot of the entire interaction, complete with links, and posted it for the family to see, effectively embarrassing him. Despite this action, he refused to apologize, and his mother unfriended me publicly. Furthermore, several family members responded with subtle, indirect criticisms, while the majority remained conspicuously silent – a silence that, perhaps more acutely than the direct insults, highlighted my exclusion from the family dynamic. It became clear that I was viewed not as a valued member, but as an unwelcome outsider, a sentiment solidified by the absence of any support or sympathy.
Feeling deeply wronged and utterly isolated, I made the difficult decision to end all financial and emotional support for family events – holidays, weddings, baptisms, and funerals across the country. My wife, while understanding my position, expressed her hurt at this drastic measure. Despite my justified anger and the clear demonstration of unacceptable behavior, I felt compelled to take action to protect myself and my relationship. I’m genuinely curious about your thoughts on the matter – was my response proportionate, or did I overstep in my attempt to address the situation? Was I justified in my actions, or did I contribute to the escalating conflict?
GENTLE READER: It is not Miss Manners’ habit to rank whose behavior was worse. But if she were to prioritize who appears most deserving of sympathy from greatest to least, she would start with your wife, your sister-in-law, the other relatives, then yourself — and lastly, the nephew. Etiquette generally seeks to repair damage such as that done by your nephew. But depending on the specifics of what he said, that may never have been possible. Breaking up the family may have been the only likely outcome. Nevertheless, you did lower yourself when you reposted the nephew’s comment after it was removed – and then went on a campaign of public humiliation. You were wronged, but once you piled wrong upon wrong, you put everyone else in an impossible situation.
