Dear Annie: My elderly mother purchased a house on the West Coast to be closer to my younger brother and me after my father passed away a few years ago. She always leaned on my dad for financial decisions and life's major choices, and now, the transition to self-reliance has been challenging for her. Despite securing the new home 18 months ago, she's still in her old home on the East Coast. The sale is on hold due to my older brother’s severe hoarding problem. It's been a real obstacle.
My older brother, who still lives with her, has undiagnosed mental health issues, including anxiety and depression, which have prevented him from maintaining steady employment. This lack of awareness about his hoarding disorder, coupled with a strong distrust of therapy and medication (viewing them as part of a government conspiracy), means he sees no reason to seek the help he desperately needs, even though we have encouraged him. For years, our mother has asked him to move his belongings out, but he's been unable to due to his mental illness, lack of financial resources, and the inability to plan for the future. Consequently, my mother is now burdened with property taxes on two homes and a mortgage for the unoccupied house, which cannot be sold.
I've tried supporting my mother by looking into tenant laws, seeking advice from attorneys, and even funding a hoard removal service. Unfortunately, these efforts have yet to make a difference. The professionals suggested that eviction is the most feasible route, but when she attempted a partial measure, the removal team left on their first day, citing safety concerns, leaving my brother incredibly distressed. The toxic, codependent relationship between my mother and brother further complicates matters. Any attempt to encourage my brother to move out or clean up results in his threats of suicide, prompting my mother to relent due to her inability to establish firm boundaries. She keeps saying, “He has nowhere to go,” leaving them both trapped in this detrimental cycle, unable to progress.
The situation has emotionally drained me, so I've had to step back to preserve my mental health. Although I urged my mother to attend therapy, she's finally taking that step and learning about setting boundaries. However, I'm concerned it might be a considerable time before she can apply these lessons to her life. Her beautiful new home stands empty while she's caught in a financial and emotional trap. What more can I do to aid her? Any guidance for my mother? It breaks my heart to think she might never move here, and I'm at a loss for my next steps. -- Desperate Daughter.
Dear Desperate: You've exerted your utmost to assist your mother with this tough predicament. Nonetheless, she must establish boundaries with your brother to pave her way to the West Coast home. Though an amicable resolution seems impossible given your brother’s untreated mental health issues, eviction appears increasingly likely as the only option. I commend your mother for beginning therapy, a crucial step in acquiring the necessary tools to act decisively. Her therapist might help devise a plan to get your brother into psychiatric care, particularly because he has hinted at self-harm. This standoff is unsustainable. Remember, Annie Lane’s advice collection, “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is now available, offering insights into relationships and reconciliation. For personal advice, contact Annie Lane through [email protected].
