Dear Annie: My mother, now elderly, relocated to the West Coast after my father passed away, aiming to be close to my younger brother and me. However, despite purchasing a new home over 18 months ago, she remains trapped in her old East Coast house. The primary reason is my older brother's severe hoarding problem and undiagnosed mental health issues, including anxiety and depression, which are preventing her from selling the property. My older brother, who has lived with our parents for years due to an inability to maintain steady employment, suffers from a lack of insight regarding his hoarding disorder. He refuses to seek help, dismissing therapy and medication as part of a government conspiracy. This has left my mother, who heavily depended on my father for financial and major life decisions, overwhelmed by the responsibilities she now faces.
As a result of my brother's condition, my mother has been unable to move to her new West Coast home. She faces the financial burden of property taxes on both homes and a mortgage on the unoccupied new house. Despite my efforts to help, including researching tenant laws and consulting attorneys, the situation remains unchanged. The only apparent solution is evicting my older brother, granting her legal authority to clear the house of his belongings. An attempt involving a hoard removal service failed, escalating into concerns for safety and leaving my brother in distress. My mother and brother's toxic, codependent relationship complicates matters. Whenever my mother presses him to move or clean, he makes suicidal allusions, causing her to relent, fearing he has nowhere else to go. This stalemate perpetuates their mutual misery, preventing progress, and for my own mental well-being, I've had to emotionally distance myself from their struggles.
Encouragingly, my mother has started therapy, focusing on establishing boundaries, yet I'm concerned it may take too long to implement any meaningful change. Annie, have I exhausted my options to assist her? Is there more advice you can offer my mom, who is caught in a financial and emotional trap, threatening her to never settle in her new home on the West Coast? I'm at a loss on what steps to take next, fearing she may remain stuck indefinitely — Desperate Daughter.
Dear Desperate Daughter: You've indeed made commendable efforts to support your mother through this challenging period. Ultimately, though, it's up to her to establish boundaries with your brother and pursue moving to her West Coast home. While a more peaceful resolution would be ideal, given your brother's unresolved mental health struggles prohibiting progress, her primary recourse may involve his eviction. I commend your mother for seeking therapy. Although progress may be slow, it's crucial that she acquires tools to drive actionable change in her life there.
Perhaps her therapist can assist in identifying ways for her to facilitate psychiatric treatment for your brother, especially considering his self-harming contemplations. The current deadlock cannot continue indefinitely. Your mother's journey through therapy might awaken pathways to guide both her and your brother towards healthier living situations. Keep advocating for professional intervention and support her endeavors to assert control over her life. Annie Lane's second anthology 'How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?' is now available, offering insights on marriage, infidelity, and reconciliation. For more information, visit creatorspublishing.com. Send questions to Annie at [email protected].
